Clayton's Journal
The convenient place for me to post things.

Stream of consciousness exercise

I wrote this without stopping, and without deleting. It is long, it is rambling, and the only edits I did were for capitalization and typos, so it’s horrendously formatted too. But if you imagine me saying it out loud, I think it becomes a lot more bearable. Also, if you do imagine that, let me know what setting it takes place in, because I like being in places where people let me go on about shit like this at length without interrupting me, and I should like to be in such a position more often.

One time, I was hanging out on the campus of my old school. Like, it was my school at the time, but I was walking across campus ,you know, and I saw this girl. Probably like twelve years old or whatever, maybe there with her brother or something. No idea what she looked like. Point is, I saw her and this phrase popped into my head. I can’t remember what it was but a certain set of words in a certain order came out of nowhere into my head, and like I couldn’t just forget them. Like, I kept repeating them to myself, just feeling how they tasted. And then I noticed what I was doing, and it was like damn, I don’t even know what these words really mean. I have no idea why they just came into my head, but they did and now there’s something special about them. They felt like they came out of the middle of a really good story, but I didn’t have the rest of the story to go with it. So anyway, I was walking along and eventually I get to where I’m going and I forget the words, but I didn’t forget the feeling of having these words in my head that came out of nowhere. It’s like the opposite of inspiration, you know? It’s like, inspiration would give me these ideas and they would grow into stories with a little effort. Like a situation with interesting people, or a specific kind of person that I think would be cool to see react to something else. That’s what inspiration seems like to me, not like having a fully formed idea. And this was totally the opposite. Like, I had a fully formed idea, but that’s it. I didn’t have any context or characters or anything, besides of course that one girl who for some reason gave me that idea, and she wasn’t even that important. She just created the idea for me. Anyway, at the time I wanted to be like, does anyone else have these moments? Where something cool and completely, I dunno, unique comes into their heads? Is that artistic, or something? If I asked people if they sometimes had phrases and words just pop out of thin air into their minds, they would probably look at me like I’m the fucking weird one, but that can’t be true. Either I’m totally fucking weird and messed up in the head, and like I’ve got some mental disease that gives me these weird opposite inspiration things, or it happens to everyone else and they’re just fucking lying about it. And that’s what pisses me off most about the whole thing, although I guess that’s all that pisses me off. It’s that there are these weird, super interesting moments in everyone’s heads, but they don’t fucking show them. ‘Cause they’re afraid of being weird, or something, I don’t fucking know. I know a lot of people who I KNOW are really cool inside. Or at least I think they are, from what they show me. But they don’t ever talk about these things. You have to be really good friends with someone to be able to share a moment like that, and it has to be right at the time and with the right person and you can’t be having another conversation at the time. Like, think of how many people just ignore these super important moments and forget about them. Because they think they aren’t interesting to anyone else. Like, really? Do you really think that these weird-ass, fucking completely bizarre things that come into your head aren’t cool and interesting to everyone else? I guess if everyone around you pretends they don’t happen, you just can’t say anything. And I think that’s genuinely really sad, that there’s this entire aspect of your existence that makes you interesting and different, and you actively ignore it and don’t share it, ever. And what’s worse is, these people have the gall to tell me that they aren’t interesting. I have fucking had people tell me I’m all weird and how that’s cool because it’s different and interesting or some shit, not being arrogant or anything that has seriously happened, and you know why they think that? Because I don’t have a problem taking one of these random-ass, bizarre things that come into my head and running with it. Exactly like what I’m doing now. Is this interesting to someone? No fucking clue. But I know it’s sure as hell more existent than a lot of what goes through other people’s heads, and they’re just afraid of letting it out. There are weird words and phrases that don’t mean anything and situations and characters and images and sounds and melodies and everything that come into people’s heads, and they just let them die instead of being slightly different. Except it’s not different at heart, because everyone that listens to you, I mean actually listens and doesn’t blow you off to look cool so you have to get past that barrier first, but anyone who actually listens to the kinds of things you have to say is usually totally interested. Because, news flash, what goes on in your head is actually kind of fucking cool. You don’t have these deep amazing worlds in you, you don’t have a pattern to your thoughts like people like to show in drawings where you depict a person’s “inner world” or whatever. You don’t have that. I’m sorry, but you fucking don’t, and don’t tell me you do, because that’s not true and you know it. What you have is what everyone else has: a big, fucking mess of thoughts that are constantly flying in and out of your head. Think about that. You’re ALWAYS thinking. Every fucking minute of every day when you’re awake, you’re thinking about something. That is a LOT of minutes. Now compare that to the number of thoughts, of weird phrases and pictures and ideas that you throw out at the world. It’s a big fucking difference, isn’t it? Because you don’t ever say the cool shit that comes into your mind, and it just dies. Now, I know we can’t all say everything that ever comes into our heads, that would be bullshit and it wouldn’t be interesting either. Too much of a good thing, I know. But you know what we CAN do? We can get the fuck over our fear of being different in order to be different. If you want to be interesting, it’s not like you don’t have the raw fucking material in your head. You just ignore it as soon as it comes in. It never stops, though, and at any time you could choose to just do something about it and make it cool to the world. All that’s stopping you from being the interesting thing you want to see in the world is yourself. I wish you would fucking stop, because I can only live in my weird chaotic fucking world. I wanna see yours, and hear about what goes on in it. You live there, and it’s normal, but fuck you if you think I think the same way. No, I fucking don’t, which makes what you live and experience and everything that comes into your head worth hearing about to me. I can only value your thoughts and opinions, because they’re different from mine. Maybe they seem the same, but they aren’t, as long as you let yourself be different like that. You came to the same conclusions as I did, maybe from a completely different road. Just be interesting, for once, you know?


One Response to “Stream of consciousness exercise”

  1. I can totally imagine you on a beach, sitting on a rock, staring at the water, just rattling on. You words taking on the random flow of the waves.

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